Warranty of the Void
by Lessthanthreep
Summary: A tech support operator, a college drop out, and an eccentric millionaire embark on strange and wonderful adventures- though mostly just strange. Maybe they should have stayed at home. Ch 5 up.
1. Another Day at the Office

Warranty of the Void

Ch 1

Ryan Smith

At least I wasn't late.

I was tired, I was still hung over from my graduation party, I was going through caffeine withdraw, and if it was possible, I was almost certain my tie was tied backwards. But I wasn't late. I waved to the girl at the front desk, went to my cubical, plugged in my head set, and took my first call. So started my first day.

At least I wasn't late.

The rest of the week was the same, minus the headache and scruffy appearance. I took calls, I went through the scripts, I helped people solve their computer issues- though most had their origin between the keyboard and the the chair. I fell into a pattern.

Until that one call.

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Ah, yes I need to print some contracts, and my printer isn't working." The voice was that of a man, slightly scratchy, but not in an unpleasant way. You pay more attention to these things in my line of work.

"Alright, what has changed since it stopped working?"

"I was printing out some books, and then it ran out of ink, so I refilled the ink, and now it's not working."

"Did you refill the cartridge or replace them?"

"I refilled them."

"Did you buy our refill kit?"

"Yes."

"What ink did you use?"

"Oh, I didn't use ink, I used blood."

My sentence died in my throat.

Did I really just hear what I thought I heard?

I completely forgot what was next in the script.

"I'm sorry sir, can you repeat that?"

"I bought your refill kit, and refilled the cartridges with blood." he paused, "Someone has to bring this stuff into the modern era."

Was I sleep deprived? Yes. Was I that sleep deprived? No.

"Sir, I believe you may have voided the warranty. But I'm going off script to offer some advice, just don't tell my boss. Blood does have some strange properties. I would suggest emptying it and refilling it with blood plus an anticoagulant."

"But won't that dilute it? I don't know if that will still work."

"It's that or hand write it." I heard a sigh on the other end of the line.

"Alright thank you." then, a bit more distantly, "Kurt, get down here!" Click.

I shook my head and continued working.

A month passed where the worst call was an old lady who deleted her registry file. I forgot that strange prank and bought a video game and chocolates to make myself feel better that no one was buying them for me this February, again. I went to work the next day and picked up my first call.

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Ah, good, it's you again. You helped me with my printer last time."

"I'm always happy to help sir."

"Good, good, that's very good. Listen, I was summoning a demon through my laptop, and now it won't stop growling."

I recognized that voice. Unfortunately.

"The laptop or the demon?"

"The laptop."

"Sir, I don't believe that you've voided your warranty, but I also don't believe it covers your laptop being possessed by a demon either. I can however recommend an exorcist."

"Good, what's the number?"

"I don't have a number, I'm just recommending you find one."

"Oh, alright. Thank you." and then distantly, "Kurt! What are you-"Click.

I shook my head again, and continued working. It wasn't until next week that things started really happening. I had just forwarded a call to a network specialist, when Jim popped his head over the cubical wall.

"I've got someone on my line asking for you. Can I forward it?"

I finished typing the report into the customers file. "Sure."

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Hi, a beautiful woman just jumped out of my computer and is offering me one wish, what's that cheat code again?"

"Up, down, Up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start."

"Really, that's it?"

"No, that's not it. You have to do it in the F octave and the fourth dimension."

"Meh, that's not too hard. Now for the big question, what should I wish for?"

"Why are you asking me? It's your wish. If you really need help, try Alan at extension at three eighty two."

"Awesome, thanks."

"May you lead an interesting life." Click.

Jim raised an eyebrow at me.

"Don't ask. I won't be able to give an answer."

The next day was a similar story, as Amy leaned over the divider.

"Aren't you Mr. Popular. Mind taking one of mine?"

"Put it through." I picked up the line.

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Hi, My summoning circle isn't working, can you help me trouble shoot it?"

"Did you complete the circle?"

"Ye... No."

"Then finish it and call me back at extension three twenty three."

"Will do." Click

Amy was already back at her own calls. At least she wasn't nosy.

I stood up to make certain no one else was going to pass a call to me and took another one.

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Ryan, good. I read about you online. My keyboard keeps on rearranging itself into insults and threatening messages. What should I do?" She sounded frantic- wait a moment. That prankster punk wrote about me online?

Deep breath, improvise.

"Are you using a laptop or a desktop?"

"Laptop"

"Did you try to summon a demon through it?"

"Yes, but I-"

"I can recommend an exorcist and give you his number, but I want to know where you heard of me."

"My phone won't let me call anyone."

Deep breath.

"Do you have any holy symbols in the house?"

"No, I'm an atheist."

"You're an atheist that summons demons through your laptop."

"Yeah. Is that bad? Wait, does that make me a satanist?"

"Some might think so, however, I don't think that demonic possession is covered by your warranty. Do you have a pen handy. I hear payphones are notoriously difficult to possess."

"Umm one moment... Oh by the way, the website is , one of the admins wrote about you. Got one! What's the number?"

I relayed the names and numbers of exorcists and their respective faiths of practice.

"Oh, and one last thing. Do payphones accept plastic?"

"No, I don't believe so. Have a nice day mam." Click

When I got to my apartment that evening, I found the web page. It was a typical forum with an atypical topic. Free occult PDFs, focus crystal recommendations, workshop suggestions, the works.

The list of admin created threads was short, so it wasn't much trouble to find "Great Occult Help Number." Eight paragraphs of nothing but my praises. A list of authors who's works I must have memorized, for the multitude of problems this admin had asked help for were so quickly and efficiently solved. And finally it posted my name, company number, and someone else posted my extension. At least I wouldn't have to deal with coworkers criticizing my new fan base. I went back to the main page, took one look at the list of recommended starter books, all free thankfully, and started downloading. Maybe I could build a niche of my own and quit my day job. And maybe I could get someone to buy chocolate for me. Poor attempts at humor aside, I got to studying.

The next day, I was prepared. I advised a man to eat more garlic, and corrected a summoning circle. By the end of the week I was recommending demonic fast food and correcting enchanters on the pronunciation of various languages. Another month passed, and standard tech calls became the exception, not the rule.

It was Friday, another Friday where I had set aside my evening for studying my new found subject. I took what should have been my final call of the day.

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Hi, I may have started a small scale zombie apocalypse. How do I turn this into a "High School of the Dead"?

"Are you in Japan?"

"Um, no."

"Move to Japan and start one there. The rest should take care of itself."

"Will do." Click. That went faster than I thought.

I had ten minutes until I could clock out, and I had one call waiting on me. Might as well use the time.

"Good morning, and thank you for calling Sterling Tech Support. My name is Ryan, how can I help you today?"

"Ah, hey, it's me again." Yes. This guy. Again. "So My private server is down, and I can't figure out why."

I took a deep breath. "When was the last time it was functional?"

"Umm, right before the laptop connected to it."

"This isn't the laptop you summoned a demon through, is it?"

"We got rid of the demon."

I pinched my nose. "How many people are in the building?"

"Two, including myself."

"You're both idiots. Disconnect it from the internet and anything with internet access immediately. Even if the demon was gone, it would have left something malicious."

"One moment," and then a bit distantly, "Kurt, Disconnect the server! You did? Good." and back to full sound, "I disconnected it. Is there a way to save my server? There's a lot of data on there that's kinda important."

"I don't have the certification for that, and the people who would have already left for the day."

"Can you do it?"

"I don't have the certifications."

"I'm not asking if you have the certifications, I'm asking if you can do it."

I thought for a moment. Data retrieval was simple enough, it was the malicious unknown that might give me trouble. After a moment of internal debate, I came to a decision.

"Where are you, and do you have a computer that you don't mind risking?"

And so I found myself headed out of state for the weekend. It wasn't too long of a drive, and the roads became increasingly scenic and green the farther south I drove. It would have been lovely if it hadn't looked like the sky was about to crack with another spring thunderstorm.

I came at length to a large, old Victorian home. A tall illogical series of mismatched additions with sun bleached bright colors, and and weather stained molding. Some low maintenance plants were starting to flower out front, but it looked like it hadn't seen much care in a while.

What a cliché.

The door opened, and a woman in jeans and a brown button up walked out and approached my car. She was average build and height, with fair skin, blue eyes, and a slightly disheveled auburn twist.

"Ryan, right?"she asked

"Uh, yeah. Were you expecting someone else?" She raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Well, you could be the delivery boy, though I don't see any pizza. Unlock the door, I'll show you where to park." I did as she instructed, and she slid into the passenger seat.

Turns out there was a cleverly hidden little road just wide enough for a car to drive around the house and out back. There was a scattering of more modern buildings, and she pointed me to the one that was the garage. We pulled my bags from the trunk and ran to the solarium just as the rain started to fall.

"Sam should be up in a bit, he was just finishing up some notes." She lead me from the solarium to the central hall, where we left my bags, to the dining room, to the kitchen, "But lets put on some tea while we wait. I might be able to rustle up some comfort food too." The kettle was placed on the stove, and she disappeared into the pantry, returning a moment later with a box of teas and a cookie tin. "I'm Tanya by the way."

"Oh, I thought you might be Kurt."She opened the tin and set it down opposite of me on the counter.

"I am. He just doesn't realize that drivers licenses put the last name first."

I stopped mid bite.

"He doesn't get out much, does he?"

She shook her head.

"Almost everything gets delivered, from lab supplies to groceries. But I still need some semblance of civilized society, so I frequent the coffee shops open mike on Thursdays."

"Society is overrated." I turned and saw my host.

He was a tall man with unhealthy pale skin, shaggy dark brown hair, and sported black slacks, a polo and a lab coat.

"Ryan, this is Sam." Kurt pushed the tea box toward me and pulled down some mugs.

"Welcome to Briar Home." he reached forward and shook my hand. "Kurt, is there a guest bedroom ready?"

"I always have the maid keep one up. If there's one thing I've learned about you, it's that you're reliably unpredictable." she set the steaming mugs down in front of us, and pulled a teabag from the box. "Case and point." she motioned to me.

Sam grunted and sipped from his mug, grimaced, then got a tea bag and let it seep. I followed suit and choose the one with the brightest colors.

"The lab is in the basement. I would recommend you not go there, but you have to go through it to get to the server in the sub basement. You can finish your tea, I have to order some books." and with that, he took his mug, and left our company.

Kurt and I made small talk over tea, after that we moved my bags to the guest room, and she gave me a tour of the house, which continued onto the grounds once the rain faded. It included a large garage, a still, a green house, a pool house a garden shed, and a small theater. The garage seemed to be the only one in decent condition, it being Kurt's domain.

But the best thing I saw by far was the main hall. My brief run through of it earlier had denied me a good look. I thought the walls were just wood paneling that was warped from poor keeping. I thought wrong, it was all books, floor to ceiling books on almost any topic, some mundane but many magical as well.

Diner was delivered buffet style, with people grabbing what they wanted on their plate, and going back to whatever they were doing before. This was fine by me, it gave me time to look for some interesting titles. I passed the rest of my evening reading in my room.

I woke up earlier than I usually did on the weekend. I blamed this on the horrible angle of the sun, not being used to the bed, and sharing a house with people I had only just met. There were breakfast foods set out on the kitchen counter, and paper plates set to the side. I grabbed some plastic cutlery from a basket nearby and dug in.

"This stuff's amazing." I was dumping my plate in the trash when Kurt entered.

"Thanks, it's practically the only thing I can make." she piled some bacon on to another plate. "Do you remember where the server is?"

"Basement, last door on the right?" She nodded at me.

"Yup. I'll be in the garage if you get board." And with that, she left the kitchen.

I might as well get started on my task. The server room was small, well lit, and cold- really cold. A single 19 inch rack dominated the center of the room, and a white laptop leaned against the frame with a veritable tangela of cords, cables, and various devices in a box beside it. I selected the appropriate one and got to work.

My first priority was to save the data. The easy solution would be to just pull the data and junk the server. I saw a few thumb drives, but the data on the server amounted to over three terabytes of information. It was unlikely that I could salvage all of it. The preferred option would be to try and delete the... virus, worm, malware... what would the remnants of digital demonic possession be called?

What ever. Step one, identify the problem. I came up with nothing in the applications, but the background processes had some funky stuff going on. I traced the process to its file, but the file stopped existing. Returning to the processes, I found the one I was tracing had disappeared, but another had started that didn't belong. I traced this one again, but the file, yet again, disappeared. I think I found my problem.

I chased the file around as it shifted location by tracing and retracing the process. I knew deleting it wouldn't work, as that would just send it to the recycle bin and it would continue effecting the system. The best thing to do would be to shift it to an isolated location. After a few hours of locating the process and tracing it, I was able to safely transfer it to the laptop, and immediately yanked out the transfer cable. The screen went dark, and sounds of something frothing and screaming emanated through the speakers. I quickly turned down the volume and closed the screen.

"Best destroy this thing." I said passing the laptop to Sam in the basement hall.

I swear I heard him gnawing on it and slamming it against the wall as I walked back up stairs.

Rather than wander about on my own, I decided to take Kurt up on her invitation and visit the garage. There were cars there, as were to be expected, but space for a two more than the three that it currently housed. It had a vehicle list as well as an open area for a general machine shop. I found her under the lift, working on another car currently above her.

"Well this may not be the best place for that," she said motioning to the book in my hand, "but I'll keep the noise down for the sake of company." She wiped the machine oil on to her jeans, moved to a work bench, pulled a box down from a shelf, and began working on the small mechanical device inside. I didn't get a good look at it, but it looked more complex than I cared for.

We didn't talk for a few hours until her phone beeped.

"Diner must be here."she said, putting away her tools, "Would you help me bring it in?"

"You really do get everything delivered, don't you?"

"Actually, it's just some immigrant family that thinks this place is haunted and leaves food for the ghosts."

I closed my book. "Really?"

"Really really. I mean there are ghosts, but they prefer sweets and the family provides meat and veggie dishes along with the deserts. We made an arrangement with the ghosts so that it wouldn't go to waste."

I followed her outside, where Sam was digging a hole for the infected laptop, and went to the front of the building.

"By the way, how does your phone get signal out here?"

"It's powered by a soul cell. Increased reception is just one of the more pleasant side affects."

What?

"You put a soul in your cellphone battery?"I really should just start expecting this stuff.

"You think the fish tanks are just for display?

"You use fish?"

"Sometimes." she elaborated, "Cellphones are simple enough that you can just use a sea monkey."

"Wouldn't mice get more charge?" she wrinkled her nose at me.

"Mice smell bad. With fish, the smell is limited to the water tank, which can easily be covered."

I guess she had a point.

"What are the other side affects."

"Internet is faster, memory is more efficient, and I estimate the battery won't die for another few centuries. Oh, and it's waterproof and shock proof now. You want an upgrade on yours?"

Did she really just offer to bind a soul to my cellphone?

"I'd love it."

Sure enough, there was a large box with some incredible savory aromas. Kurt shoved this box into my arms, and lifted the smaller one herself.

"Can you take that into the kitchen?" she set her box down in the dining room, pulled some china and cutlery from the curio, and began slicing the cake for some of the specters already seated.

I continued to the kitchen, and gave Kurt my phone. The rest of the evening went off as the last one, and I fell asleep with a book on my chest.

I woke up relatively early again the next morning, as it was a long drive home. Sam cut me a check for substantially more than I expected(I saw a shopping spree on the horizon), Kurt returned my phone, and I was on my way. In my mind, Briar Home was a lovely vacation spot. Lovely place, fascinating local culture, but not a place I would want to stay long term. In fact, I hoped to never return there. Funny thing about hopes.

Less than a month later, I had just gotten home and my cellphone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Ryan, it's Kurt." She sounded different over the phone.

"Oh, I'm not used to you calling."

"Well, I tend to be a bit more coherent than Sam- "

"What do you need?"

"I can't call my only only sane friend, and sole human link to the outside world just to talk?"

"You're an industrious young woman. You wouldn't call just to talk." An audible sigh came over the line.

"Strait to the point then. One of Sams uncles just died and left him a collection, probably a substantial one. We need help organizing it, integrating it or just plum figuring out what some of this stuff is. Would you be interested in visiting again."

I thought out my weekend as currently planed. Plans, what plans? The closest thing I had to a social life outside of work was an online D&D group. Today was Thursday. I could pack a bag for the weekend this evening, and leave strait from work. And as much as I dreaded the place, I did learn a lot last time.

"When are you expecting this collection?"

"Friday afternoon is when we're expecting the first shipment. Can you be there?"

"I get off work by five, the earliest you can expect me would be seven."

"I can work with that. I'll see you then."

"See ya." Click.

I let my phone rest beside me. Without further ado, I repacked my old school bag and ran through some forums until I had to sleep. Work and the following drive passed quickly, and I was at Briar Home before I knew it. The house was almost completely unchanged save for the crates in front. And did they get a new door? I might have to ask about that.

Kurt ran out the door to greet me again, and jumped into the car. After I parked, she handed me a fanny pack- and a holster and a pistol.

"You know how to use one of these, right?"

I looked it over.

"In theory."

"This is the safety." she pointed to a switch on the side, "When it shows red, it's ready to fire. These are the sights, you want this one," she pointed to the small one on the edge of the barrel, "be between these ones," she pointed to the ones closer to the grip, "and whatever your shooting at. This is the mag ejection clip." she pointed to a button on the other side, "Pull back the slider after you reload. Extra clips are in the pack, but the clips are enchanted to hold forty rounds. You'll have bigger problems if you need to. Keep the pack front facing, the holster goes on your belt, and don't lock your arms." She grabbed my shoulders. "No one goes anywhere alone, and keep your cellphone on you. Got it?"

I holstered the pistol, "Does this have anything to do with the new door?"

"A bit." she shrugged, "We conducted a perfect summoning, but drew an imperfect binding ring. If you see a kitten made of rainbow marshmallows, shoot to kill. However, our main concern is the shipment. There could be any number of things in those crates."

We had walked back to the front by that time, and I got a good look at some of the items not in crates.

"What's with the payphone?" I motioned to the red payphone box.

"Hm? Oh, Payphones are notoriously difficult to possess- older ones especially, something to do with the lack of computer chips. That's why none of the cars we use are younger than 1970." she nodded to the old Volkswagen Microbus. "Sid did a lot of pioneering research in the technoccult area, he's also the one who developed soul cells."

Sam took this moment to exit the door, cooler behind him.

"We're taking breaks every half hour for hydration purposes."

For the next few hours, we moved crates into the back of the van, drove it to the back, and unloaded it into the theater, stopping about every other trip for a water bottle. I don't recall the exact hour, but it was still mid morning.

We were having a bit more trouble with one particular crate, it being larger than the others. We had almost gotten it in when someone's hand slipped. The crate slammed onto the edge of the bed, and then it started clicking. Things went dark then. The only thing I saw was a faceless figure, but I got the distinct impression it was smiling.

AN: I feel like notes before the story destroy the flow, so I'll be adding them down here. Let's get the basics out of the way.

Disclaimer: I own only my own characters. Everything else belongs to Wizards of the Coast.

Thanks: Kitty for inviting me to help him study, Matt for being his crazy self and joining, and Louis for editing.

I do not in any way encourage anything in this story. It is the twisted product of several twisted minds.

How long this goes on depends on it's reception. Reviews are the cream and sugar in my tea. Flames will be used to boil the water.


	2. Kansas Can Kiss My

Warranty of the Void

Ch 2

Tanya Kurt

My ears were ringing. That thing- that faceless thing- it just kept screaming at me. But something else was wrong. Where was that? Where was here?

I had to start with baby steps. The left side of my face felt gritty, like I was sleeping in a sand box. My eyes hurt when I first opened them, so I waited a moment before trying again. After blinking away the sunspots, I was able to push myself up on fire filled limbs, and get a good look around.

Tall trees with dry dead leaves, and tall yellowed grass peeked up from not quite miniature sand dunes. It might have been a forest not too long ago, though it looked as if the area was undergoing a rapid desertification. I knew should have been happy that I wasn't too far from the van, but I also knew that it was far from the greatest vehicle for sand.

Sam was seated against its side, a bit bewildered, and not in the least agitated. I hoped he wouldn't overly mourn the lab coat. Ryan looked to be asleep in it, and the crate was not too far from me. That stupid crate. I was willing to bet my laptop that this was all something to do with whatever was in that thing.

I guided Sam to the bed of the van and sat him down. Why was he cold? It was blistering hot here.

My more paranoid side came in use that day. I always made certain there were two kits in all of the vehicles. One was a general emergency kit, containing general repair tools and first aid items. The other was a winter weather kit, with some high calorie foods, bottled water, and two blankets. These were stowed under the driver and passenger seats respectively. I brought them and the GPS to the back.

Ryan appeared to be okay, but that was just my opinion. Sam, I plum didn't know what was up with him. I left the winter and medical gear with him, encouraging the bottle of water if he needed it.

I took the crow bar, and attacked the crate. The first thing was a small box. The rest was packed with wood shavings. I knocked down one side of the crate, and the device was revealed to me. It had an open case- perhaps skeleton was a better adjective.

Wires and ribbons woven through crystals and wax seals with elegant runes in ways that I could not comprehend unaided in my current state. It was more metaphysical than physical. I detested metaphysics- it's only ever given me trouble. I needed Sam coherent, but he was sitting with his head between his knees at that moment, rocking silently back and forth.

The first box had some notebooks stacked inside, all on the machine. I pushed the side of the crate back and replaced the top. It wasn't good for transport, but it wouldn't be sandblasted either.

Sam scooted over for me as I approached, at least that was a good sign. The paper was yellow, the ink was faded, but at least the hand writing was neat. I could work with it. I had to, our lives might depend on it. And that might was starting to look like a certainly.

The "Jumper", as Sid had called it, was intended to be a teleportation device. I skimmed the theory behind it flipped to another notebook. There were multiple designs, but all of them were scratched out as failures. However, the last one was the only attempt he said he would not scrap. The results, while not one of his explosive failures, still bore further investigation. The device did not appear in the target location, but disappeared entirely for three months. Upon his return, the passenger was quite mad, but his rants all seemed to have the common thread of other worlds, recorded in the other notebooks.

"Other worlds?" I wondered aloud.

"You're new to this I take it?"

Reflexes brought me to my feet, the box and notebooks falling from my lap as I drew my pistol. A tanned man with long hair lifted his hands. The blue armor with silver trim did nothing to hide that he was a walking tank. If he had wished harm he could have done so quite efficiently without announcing his presence.

"I take it you're not?" I holstered the pistol, but kept the snap undone.

Things might not go well if I was caught off guard again. A more pressing issue might be the papers, now blowing in an arid wind. I scooped up the notebooks, deposited them back in the box and then joined the man in chasing down the loose pages. A time at this, and we had collected them all. I grasped the papers from his outstretched hands, but he didn't let go.

"Some of us try to help new planeswalkers adjust to the multiverse when we find one- but you don't have a spark, do you?"

"It might help if I knew what a spark was." I shrugged, and he released the papers.

"It's what makes a planeswalker. They keep the Blind Eternities- the space between worlds- from tearing us apart."

"And what does one have to do to attract the attention of a spark?" In my defense, I was reorganizing the notebooks, trying to find the sketch of the current machine.

"It's not a creature, a person has to be born with it."

"I think I like that even less." A sentient creature can be reasoned with, whether through negotiation or by force.

I'd found the diagram of what the device was supposed to be, so I placed the box back in the van, grabbed the repair kit, and uncovered the machine again.

"Why?" he followed.

"Because it means that our only chance at getting back, is fixing this bloody scrap heap." I walked around the jumper, comparing the views on the paper to the messed up artifact in front of me. My frustration must have been evident.

"Do you need any help?" I looked up from the papers.

"Do you have any medical training?" Sure, I'd just met the guy, but I couldn't afford to be picky right now.

"I have some basic healing training." he seemed slightly confused- so was I in all honesty.

"I don't know if something's wrong with Ryan, but Sam was rather cold last I felt him. His knowledge would be invaluable repairing this." I motioned to the jumper.

He looked back to the van, one eyebrow raised.

"This may not be the time, but if Sam's the one laying down, you may be on your own with this... thing. Dead people do tend to go cold."

"Ryan's the one K.O.'ed- Sam's the one gibbering incoherently to himself." He was twitching and biting his nails now too.

The man seemed reluctant, but he did go to the van. I buried myself in identifying the discrepancies I understood, and then eliminating them to the best of my abilities.

"Who the devil are you!?"

"I'm here to help."

"I don't need any help! Get lost!" I looked up to see Sam yelling at my new... Friend? It was too soon for that, but an acquaintance wouldn't help so readily.

"Sam," I called over to him, "Show some manners, and if you can't be bothered, bring that box over here and start reading."

Sam scowled, snatched the box and stalked over to me. I continued my attempts at repairs while Sam sat beside me. He breezed through the notebooks faster than I by far, and took the drawing from me. About that time, Ryan woke up.

"Are you an angel?"

"No, angels are female."

I glanced back at the van.

He was at least sitting up now, but that goofy smile seemed to make my new friend a tad uncomfortable. He probably preferred being yelled at. Sam needed a lot of space when he worked, so I'd been kicked to the van.

"Not where I'm from, they don't even have anything under those flowing robes..."

"And how do you know this?"

"Wouldn't you like to know..."

At this point he thought it best to leave Ryan to his own devices, and met me half way. Ryan followed him, but thankfully stumbled on to Sam.

"I think your friend's just a bit slap happy." he told me.

"So he might as well be drunk." That could have been so much worse, "Thank you."

"Glad I could help." He extended his hand, "I'm Gideon by the way."

"Kurt, but it's Tanya if we're going by first names." I shook his hand.

"I don't know what's going on with Sam, but you might want to keep an eye on him."

"Always do." I only spent half my time making sure he didn't summon beholders.

I don't normally eavesdrop, but some things just grab your attention regardless of context or distance. Although I'd only read one paragraph on the topic, the phrase 'Soul Crystal' is one of those things.

"It's cracked," Sam explained holding the crystal up to the sun, "the remnants of whatever was in it must have escaped. There's no repairing it, and even if we could, it would need a higher soul." I approached him and took it from his hands.

"To believe I thought you're uncle was a decent man..." it was just starting to cool.

"You use souls to power your cellphones," Ryan interrupted, "what's the difference between a soul cell and a soul crystal?"

"Soul crystals set the bar for immorality. Soul cells trap a soul, and the effort it expends to escape is turned into power. Think of a hamster wheel turbine, but the hamster will eventually run fast enough to get out." I didn't want to touch it anymore, and passed it to Ryan. " Sure, a soul crystal never needs to be recharged, but they create power by caging the soul and feeding off the paradox of the lives not lived."

"It doesn't destroy the soul?" he rolled the crystal in his hand.

"What's the first law of thermodynamics?"

"Energy can not be created or destroyed."

"Souls are another form of energy, but what's more fascinating is that, while they are not an exception, they create and exception. There's some fancy Latin word for the ability to create infinite energy, and another for formless energy itself, but I never cared much for that branch."

"The jumper won't work without something powering it." Sam stood up, "Lucky for us, soul cell technology has advanced considerably, and this thing is obnoxiously inefficient- or was I should say. It's like half time machine half teleporter." he took the crystal from Ryan and placed it back in my hands, "We probably won't be able to use the radio. I need you to remove it and run a wire behind the driver seat. Clean out the back of the van first."

"Are you sure it will run off of 12 volts?" I'll admit that I was skeptical.

"It looks like it might." I hadn't realized Ryan was looking at the machine again. "That old power supply is a 12 volt.. more than a bit dated."

"The Jumper is fixed, but it needs to be connected to the vehicle if we want it to protect us." Sam turned to Ryan and Gideon, "I believe the only reason we survived last time was because the soul crystal shielded us. I need you two to help me get this into the back of the van."

The guys took lifting positions around the Jumper, and I started back to the van. Pulling everything from the van was fast, so by the time they were pushing the jumper into the back, I was in the passenger seat already unscrewing the radio. Matching the colors of the wires powering the audio unit and the wires from the GPS was easy. The crystal was another story. Ryan noticed my confusion, reached through the seats to the crystal, and wedged the wires into the cracks. He then passed it to Sam, and Sam integrated the crystal into the jumper.

"What are we doing with the radio?" Ryan asked me.

"Saving it. Everything has a use, we just have to find what it is." he took it from my hands.

"Sam, do the distortion coils have any controls?"

He pulled his head out of the jumper's case, "No, why?"

"Let me try something..." He took Sam's place.

I assumed whatever he was working on was something metaphysical, and occupied myself checking the electrical connections. Or at least I pretended to.

As with every major device Sam or I acquired, the van was reworked to run completely off of electricity. The battery in the microbus was a large soul cell. Under normal conditions, it would capable of powering the vehicle for around a few decades. But while I had always made certain it was at full charge, I didn't know how much of a drain a jump might be.

"There, that might give us a bit of control." Ryan dusted off his hands.

"Will it work?" When I looked behind me, I could see Gideon looking at it, and got the distinct impression that tech wasn't his cup of tea.

"Only one way to find out." Sam climbed out, with the others following, and I met them by the side.

We repacked the tools, replaced the kits, and returned everything that had been pulled out of the back. I even rigged a frame to keep it from sliding around the bed if we hit turbulence.

"Before you depart, you should know that the multiverse is brimming with danger." at least he was concerned for us, "You don't come off as mages, but that will come given time. Until then, your main strength will be each other." oh, stars above, "Know that your companions are the only ones that can carry you through."

Sam grunted, but at least I put up a front of gratitude, "Thank you. I will remember that when I want to kill one of them."

"We do statistically have a better chance of figuring something out if we work together." I think Ryan actually took his words to heart, but he wanted to get a move on, "Lets get this over with."

Ryan climbed into the drivers seat, Sam took shotgun, and I bungee corded myself to the back of Sam' s seat. Doors closed I looked at the Jumper. It might have been comical, a radio face from the sixties juxtaposed on something that might have been a prop from a low budget fantasy movie.

"Ryan, you're driving, what type of music do you prefer?" I asked reaching towards one of the dials.

"I'm partial to dubstep." Ryan replied.

"Dubstep..." I tuned the radio.

"I think one-oh-one-point-nine plays a dubstep occasionally." I heard the ignition, or what passed as ignition in this car.

"Hmmm. And dubstep likes to be loud..." I cranked up the volume control, "To infinity..."

Disclaimer: I own only my own characters. Everything else belongs to Wizards of the Coast.

I do not in any way encourage anything in this story. It is the twisted product of several twisted minds.

AN: The setting, including the plane, and occasionally the time period will be rolled on a d100 from the PlaneChase page on MTG Salvation. Expect the old and obscure, and possibly pre-mending planes.

Roll: The plane used here was called Moag, referenced in Fields of Summer. Urza and Xantcha visited there before Phyrexia invaded the plane. The dice rolled low, and then high, so the team landed after the the Phyrexians invaded, but after the Phyrexians left. I figure that oasification would be similar to a world recovering from an invasion of such devastating force.

Thanks: Kitty for inviting me to help him study, Matt for being his crazy self and joining, and Louis for editing- even if I do have to bribe you with Nos.

How long this goes on depends on it's reception- I did get some views on my first chapter. Reviews are the cream and sugar in my tea. Flames will be used to boil the water.

Preread by: RouisLosenthal- The Louis Seal of approval.


	3. Important Lessons

Warranty of the Void

Ch 3

Sam Briar

And finally, we were gone- I was starting to hate that guy. Sure he 'helped' us, but that didn't mean I had to like him. I didn't know why I didn't like him, I just didn't. We didn't need his help anyways.

I had expected the initial jolt of the jump, but now that we were in the so called "Blind Eternities", as I'd heard Gideon call them, it was smooth sailing. Smooth sailing in waves of white light. Ryan was in the drivers seat, how much actual driving he was doing was questionable. I didn't know much about him, but he did exorcise my server, so that has to count for something.

I looked back at the machine. Everything that was supposed to be glowing was, everything that was supposed to be flashing was, and all was the correct color. Kurt was behind me, but she was probably checking it as well. I knew she understood most of the theory, even if she hated it. She and I were similar in that aspect- both of us used metaphysics, but we saw it as a means to an end. She used it to build and enhance her devices, I used it to summon and enhance my summons. And those were lengthy rituals, probably not useful in the battles that would certainly come. There was no saying how long we might be floating, so I decided it was as good a time as any to catch a nap.

Bad idea.

"Change the station!" Why the devil was Ryan yelling?

A massive splash was my answer. Water was pouring in through the door jams and the air vents, while strange fish swam outside the windows.

"Kurt! What did you do?!"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Well do something!"

"We're sinking..." Ryan chimed in, Needlessly reminding us that the water was already to our knees.

"I know!" She was frantically pressing the power button on the radio, but it wasn't working.

"Kurt..." Some big dark, shape was floating through the water towards us, it's low resonating call rattled the windows.

"Kurt-"

"I'm trying!" she pounded her fist on top of the case, and the van jolted.

We were back in the Eternities. Plus a lot of water, but we were unharmed.

"Kurt," I pushed back soggy hair, "you are never choosing the station again."

"I agree." Ryan said, fake driving again.

Devices like this usually needed time to cool down after use, especially such antiquated designs. I didn't expect to stay in the Eternities too long, and I was right. Apparently, landing makes the same jolt as jumping.

Ryan jumped out of the drivers seat and looked around. "Umm, did we just discover Atlantis?"

"Don't be stupid." I motioned to the ocean as I left the van. "Atlantis would have the cloudy water of the Atlantic ocean."

"We're on another world." The side door opened and a massive amount of water splashed out carrying a very soggy Kurt with it. "Let's not make any assumptions." I could hear her sputtering as she stood up.

We stood in silence for a moment, and absorbed our surroundings. Early afternoon sun illuminated the ruins of an island city. The once tall, now crumbling buildings were something between gothic and neoclassical. They might have once been whitewashed with and terracotta roof tiles, but all were broken and grayed. If I was right, we were in the middle of a seaside courtyard. And was something shining over there?

"I'm going to check that tower." I pointed to my destination and began walking.

"Hey, that Gideon guy said we should stick together!" Ryan called as I left.

"Don't care!"

I turned the corner onto a wide, rubble dotted boulevard. Latinized script was above what looked to be abandoned shops, and small frescoes decorated the space between doors. Ahead a ways, there was an intersection with a statue. If this had been a proper expedition with proper archaeologists and historians and preservers, we could have saved some of this and brought them home.

"Hey, wait up!"

I turned to see a miraculously dry Kurt running behind me, and Ryan following.

"We decided to come with you."

I nodded, "Good, I may need help. Kurt, you took Latin in high school, start by translating that." I pointed to an elegant image by a door with red writing on the edges.

She looked at it, and cocked her head.

"It's an advertisement for a brothel." she raised an eyebrow at me, "I never pegged you as that kind of guy."

"I'm not, but the spatial relations are interesting compared to the others on this street." I shook my head and continued.

"We're headed to that tower there. The sun hit something reflective. On Earth, more advanced ancient cities used polished metal disks to reflect sunlight into tall, open buildings. Traditionally, the only groups that could afford such buildings were the nobility, and the clergy- both which had substantial libraries."

"Uh, won't they be kinda rotted?" I glared back at Ryan, "I mean, we're on an island, the humidity would accelerate the decay."

"We're also on another world, and they might have an enchantment on the library to keep books from decaying."

He shut up.

As we approached the tower, it was revealed to be only part of what appeared to be a larger temple complex, extraordinarily well preserved. Three buildings were situated around an verdant courtyard, grass sprouting between the cobbles. There was a wide, low building to the side of the right, a monastery if the lack of decor was a sign. A small cottage stood to the left, remnants of an herb garden thriving in the absence of a care taker in front. In the center was the main chapel, its tower shining high in the red angled light.

The gate was rusty and easily kicked down, and the courtyard quickly crossed. The wooden door of the chapel should have been old and rotten, and the hinges squeaky, but it glided open like it was just oiled yesterday. It was set up just as might be expected, warm wooden pews lead up to a raised pool, surrounded by arches, and backed by stained glass. There were doors to the side, one that lead down, and one that lead up. Down would probably lead to the crypt, but a quick glance through the other door revealed exactly what I wanted.

It was more of an office than anything else. Neither the desk nor the chairs were ornate, but they were obviously sturdy. To the left was a small window, but the opposite wall had only one shelf of books. It was a small library by modern standards, but expensive assuming the technology available. I pulled one from a shelf and looked inside.

"Hand written." I passed the book to Kurt, "Start translating, we can't take everything with us, so prioritize. Magic primary, history and culture secondary. Fiction stays here."

I turned to Ryan, "Search the lower level, we need items to trade with on the next world we visit."

"Shouldn't we show more respect?" Kurt placed the book on one side of the desk and was reaching for another.

"They're dead, and we're not. Our needs are superior, and you are sorting those books."

They went to their assigned tasks, and I went back to reexamine the main room. There was indeed a metal dish suspended above, three metal legs latching to the sides of the sanctuary. It was polished, but not polished enough to provide the reflection I'd seen earlier. Then what was it that had caught my eye? I had to get a better angle.

There were stairs to choir lofts on either side of the entrance, and this was where I went. I was rewarded with some more rustic pews, but mainly by a view of the rather large crystal wired above the bowl, throwing off colors at every opportunity. Another look around revealed one of the support legs, and a rather obvious pin. I pulled it, and the other two legs creaked. I could see another leg in the other choir loft, and repeated, this time with results. The final leg was not enough to hold the combined weight of the bowl, the crystal, and the two other legs. It groaned and slowly descended until the dish hit the floor like a gong. The artifact wasn't going anywhere, so I took my time going down the steps.

"What the hell are you doing?!" I could see Kurt at the door of the office, shock written on her face. "This is a church!"

"And you are an atheist." I didn't know what the fuss was with her, "Unless you've undergone an epiphany in the last fifteen minutes..." I was at the bowl and broke the thin gold wires holding it to the dish, "There wouldn't happen to be a bag in there?"

When Ryan came back up, we took count of everything that we had. Kurt had determined that there were five books of interest; two on history, and three on magic. Ryan had several jeweled necklaces on his arms, a few rings and bracelets looped on them. I of course had a massive sparkling crystal so I think I won that game. We managed to get everything into a canvas bag that was from the office, and Ryan carried it as we returned to the shadow filled streets.

Darkness was falling fast and I wanted to get back to the van. You can imagine my surprise when we turned the corner to see another Kurt and Ryan, drying around a small fire by the van. I pulled my Kurt and Ryan back around the corner.

"We should kill them," I didn't know Ryan enough to tell how angry he really was.

"I agree," Kurt, on the other hand, "these pale imitations are insulting."

"Wait," I pulled my pistol.

"Ryan" I had gut feeling, "Do you remember what Professor Moth said about shape shifters?"

"No, I was absent for that lecture."

"Kurt," and a clever plan, "Do you remember what Professor Moth said about shape shifters?"

"You have to test their knowledge."

It was impossible to miss the shots, they were at point blank range after all.

"Professor Moth never covered shape shifters. And you," I looked at the smoking pile of slime that was Ryan, "were never there to begin with."

The real Kurt and Ryan took that moment to run around the corner, their own pistols raised.

She looked at the goop at my feet, "You're okay?"

"Clearly." I brushed the bag off, "More than okay actually. I have some books for you to translate."

She holstered the pistol, but kept the snap undone. "Let's do it by the fire, Ryan and I MacGyver'd some fishing supplies."

It was some time before Kurt was able to give some small translation. Aparantly it deviated so far from classical Latin, that a proper translation was difficult and slow going. Ryan decided to check on the Jumper, do I attempted to fish in the mean time. I caught one, but it was barely larger than my hand. By that time Kurt was getting a basic grasp of the differences and began to relay what she had learned

The book she read first was the basics of mana and casting. By having a strong memory on this island, it bonded a single blue mana, we just had to learn to draw upon it. Ryan was the first, but I wasn't too far behind. The physical sensation was indescribable, but the overall feeling was power- raw, unadulterated and pure.

Ryan let an unreal bird fly off into the dark, and I released one of my own not too long after, though it was a bit heavier. Kurt's zipped out of sight before we could get much of an impression. Ryan and I spent the rest of the evening manipulating the forms we were creating. Kurt continued to read, ignoring invitations by Ryan in favor of the book. By then the fish was cooked, and we supplemented it with some of those dry, emergency protein bars.

By the time diner was finished, Kurt claimed mental exhaustion, as did Ryan. The van was dry enough to sleep in, so we put out the fire, pulled the bag inside, and turned on the heat. The night passed without incident, and by the morning we were ready to jump.

Disclaimer: I own only my own characters. Everything else belongs to Wizards of the Coast.

I do not in any way encourage anything in this story. It is the twisted product of several twisted minds.

AN: The setting, including the plane, and occasionally the time period will be rolled on a d100 from the PlaneChase page on MTG Salvation. Expect the old and obscure, and possibly pre-mending planes.

Roll: The first roll I made was for the Celestine Reef on Luvion, a plane that requires island walk or flying for creatures to attack. As horrible a roll as this was, I made a commitment to write on what I roll- hence half the first page was chaos. As awesome as the hippie bus is, it's not going to magically transform into a submarine or air plane. So they jumped pretty quick. The second roll was the Isle of Vesuva, from Dominaria. The roll was low, so they arrived post mending, hence the ruinous state. The island itself was populated by shape shifters, so I assumed they would adapt to the post mending moderately well. I struggled with what the plot would be for about half an hour, but it gave a golden opportunity to flaunt Sam's character.

Thanks: Kitty for inviting me to help him study, Matt for being his crazy self and joining, and Louis for editing- even if I do have to bribe you with Nos.

Louis: That was once! Once!

How long this goes on depends on it's reception- I did get some views on my first chapter. Reviews are the cream and sugar in my tea. Flames will be used to boil the water.

Preread by: RouisLosenthal- The Louis Seal of approval.


	4. Another Castle

Warranty of the Void

Ch 4

Ryan Smith

I was driving again, even if there isn't much driving involved. Sam was beside me picking at the singed edges of his lab coat, and Kurt bungee'd herself to the back of the chair. I could look back and see her if I wanted, like I said, not much driving, but it was just a habit. I might describe driving through the Blind Eternities as sailing some white ocean, but it was like the ocean was all around us. Would that make us a submersible? And now I had a Beatles song stuck in my head.

While we I was driving though, I was able to let my mind wander. I was worried about Sam being so cold, but I was starting to believe that he wasn't the only one who had changed. Sam could pass for normal if he wanted, it was only noticeable if someone made contact with him. But it didn't take too much examination to notice Kurt's hair shone more than the fire allowed last night. And as much as I would love to blame it on stress, there was a white streak at my temple that certainly wasn't there before- not gray, white.

The dark trough of the waves were getting smaller, we were getting close to the destination world. With a jolt, the white became solid, then melted into detail of our landing spot. The sky was swirling with dark clouds, and thin dead trees twisted out of the mountain side. We however, were on a very thin, and very vertical mountain path. There were tall spires of castles in the rear view mirror.

"Try not to shift your weight too much people." I could see a quaint, rustic, village in the distance before us, "This is gonna be a tight rope act." That's where we would go.

We crawled slowly along the path, while rocks fell down the edges and into the ravine below. Their echos did nothing to ease the overwhelming feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong. Somehow, we made it to the rocky fields below, and I pressed the accelerator more, but it didn't speed up. We rolled to a stop in the woods.

"So... Do you think triple A services on other worlds?" Fire on the back of my skull alerted me of Kurt's glare.

"What do you think?" I heard the a rustling behind me and the side door opened.

Sam was absorbed in his cellphone, so I was the only one who was there when she lifted the hood. The modified engine was completely alien to me. It would have been alien as an unmodified engine so it was doubly confusing- but not for Kurt.

She scowled, and began twisting off caps and hoses. It was by squeezing one of these hoses that she got some sort of gray oily gunk oh her hands. Her scowl deepened to a frown as she rubbed it between her fingers, smelled it, and tapped a finger on her tongue. She barked out a laugh.

"Yeah, we're boned." she wiped it on her jeans, went back to the side door, and returned with a bag of tools and an elongated skate board.

She dropped the skate board on the ground, rotated it with her foot, and sat down on it. Tools were laid out on the top of the canvas in some form of organization that made sense to her. Ratchet in hand, she disappeared under the vehicle. Metallic clicks floated out from below, and Sam approached me.

"She'll probably be a while." he held up his phone, "I have an idea."

"Umm, there aren't any towers to relay the signal."

"Just don't distract me." how much concentration did it take to call someone?

Then my phone rang. I fished it out, ignored the call, and got the notification hat I had left the service area.

"How does that-"

"There's still a lot we don't understand, but we can only call each other." He looked back at the phone, "That or the tech help line has finally blocked us."

I can't imagine why...

I was scrolled through my contacts, and all but two were grayed out, those being Sam and Kurt.

"Can the jumper function if the van itself doesn't?" I voiced the question as it formed in my mind.

Sam shrugged, "Depends if the power is interrupted I guess."

"I'm gonna ask." I walked back to where Kurt was working on the car.

"Hey," I heard a distinct thud, and quickly Kurt rolled out from the van, followed by a series of loud metallic crashes.

"I meant for that to happen..." she was cringing.

"I'm certain- just how bad is it?"

"Bad isn't bad enough." she sat up on the skateboard, "I thought that a night would be enough to dry the important parts out- but I've never had a vehicle completely submerged." she directed a frown below the hood as she stood.

"What's wrong with it?"

"I set these vehicles up to be really low maintenance, so I can build what I actually want to build. The part that should have lasted the longest, is the one that just screwed us over." her hand reached for one of the hoses again, "One of my best contacts was a french scientist. I didn't really like him at first- heh, I still don't- but I tolerated him. We had something of an agreement- I would be arm candy for any of his social engagements, he would smuggle a few liters of this stuff out for me once in a while. " I knew we were getting to the story when her eyes lit up, "You see, he had access to this amazing experimental engine oil- like military grade, for tanks, transports, and heavy vehicles. The degradation rate was a fraction of that crap people put in their cars- and completely synthetic! It was comp-"

"So it's something with the engine oil?"

"I don't pretend to know the chemistry," She returned to the explanation, "He really tried to explain it to me, and failed miserably, so he had to dumb it down." she squeezed the hose again, and placed the experimental oil on to my hand.

I looked at it, and it reminded me of the silver-gray swirls of my favorite dice set. I rubbed it, and couldn't figure out what was wrong. I smelled it, and couldn't draw a conclusion for what it was supposed to smell like. I tasted it, and it was disgusting- surprise, surprise. But I could feel tiny granules, barely there, but there none the less.

"The one thing he told me, was to never let it mix with water. It causes it to cluster into small particles. They were still working on that bit last I checked."

"Soul cells waterproof the phones-"

"That's because the phones have extra energy to spend on self preservation. Normally the one in the van would, but the Jumper is taking all that surplus." She ran a hand through her hair, pushing her bangs back up, "I waterproofed the connections anyways, but either I missed one, or one of the hoses cracked." she sat back down on the skateboard, "Let's hope it's the former."

"So what was that crash?"

She narrowed her eyes at me, "I had to get a better look at something." and back under the van.

I walked back to Sam, and he was tapping away at his phone again.

"No internet." he informed me- guess I would be missing D&D this week.

"From what I gathered, the problem is limited to the lubrication system."

"What's wrong?" he glanced up from the phone.

"Contamination and a possible leak." I remembered the town in the distance,

"This world is populated by people who are at least on par with late Renaissance, if architecture is anything to go on." Sam beat me to the punch.

"That was the era where people began realizing progress wasn't bad. I can go with Kurt to the town down the ways, but we don't have any local currency, or even know if they speak English."

He pulled a heavy looking necklace from the singed lab coat. "Money is one language everyone understands."

"What are we doing?" Kurt joined us, wiping bad machine oil on her hands.

"We're going into town. Maybe we can get you a new dress?" I flashed the jewelry before I pocketed it.

"Hah- I know what I need. When are we leaving?"

We set out not long after. We had several hours of sunlight left, but I still had that overwhelming sense of foreboding. We could make it before nightfall if we kept good pace. Sam would stay with the van, and Kurt and I would bring back repair supplies, and food- it was our second day, and I was already hating those protein bars.

Things got colder as we moved, but I that was probably darkness falling. What caught my attention more was how the trees were changing. The farther we went, the more the colors shifted to autumn. I slowly began to shiver, but Kurt didn't seem mind the change. Maybe that was because she was wearing a legitimate shirt, and I was just wearing a beater and an open Hawaiian. I hadn't taken a world tour into account when I'd dressed for casual Friday.

"Do you think it's strange?"

"What's strange?" she continued walking.

That things are all autumn here, and they were... whatever season it was back there."

She raised an eyebrow at me, "I don't think we can hold our standards of normalcy to another world."

It was amazing what an open mind she kept. I was still wrapping my head around magic. Sure I gave out advice to people for tech support- was it only two days ago? But I always tried to reason around it. When I did accept it, it was with the comforting knowledge that it was an expensive, and very meticulous art- achieving only the most minimal result through intense ritual. This limited the number of crazies with access to it. But last night, I had willed a bird of light into existence. If I could do that on my first day of exposure, what would happen if we faced those with months, years, maybe even lifetimes of study in magic? Perhaps we would become a formidable force if we worked at it enough, but that probably would be a long time.

My thoughts were interrupted by a howl in the distance. While I was deep in thought, the sun had set. We were at the perfect Hollywood horror scene; car broke down, deep in the woods, thick mist, tiny cabin, and a small cemetery to top it off- and the wolves. Wolves were far in the distance, but definitely there, and... getting closer? There were glowing pinpricks of reflected light in the distance, multiplying and growing. Then it leaped out into our moonlit clearing. A massive, furry dog-man- I hesitated to use the term werewolf- with far too many teeth had fixed it's yellow eyes on me. I won't lie, it was ripped, but I wasn't exactly looking at it's six pack. In any other situation, I would have called it cute, and laughed with my friends, as it shredded the stupid tourist in the movie.

In any other situation, I would not have been the stupid tourist.

Kurt fired the first shot- blowing away any chance I had at talking to this thing. I was still fumbling with my pistol when the others jumped in. She was covering me, letting off well placed shots. When I finally did get it out, all I could get was clicks. Safety! I had to switch off the safety! I flicked to the red and began firing at the one that was approaching me- with almost no noticeable results. Sure it had holes in it, but that didn't make it any slower.

"Aim for the head idiot!" Kurt's shots were fewer, but more precise.

"I've never used one of these before! Cut me some slack!" I tried to slow down, and remember how she told me to aim.

"I might if our lives weren't on the line!"

I lined the sight at the end of the barrel, and let off a shot. It hit lower than I'd intended. And now I had it's attention. I wish it had been for another reason. I remembered the other two sights at the end closer to me. I had to put the one at the end in between those two. I leveled at the charging fuzzball, and let off the shot- and not a moment too soon. It was imperfect, but it more then did the trick. I had to jump out of the way of it's tumbling form.

I barely dodged another attack, and quickly aimed again. Kurt and I danced around our attackers for some time- I thought I heard her reloading. Now, I wasn't a military strategist- but I did play a lot of video games. One of the tactics my clan often employed was the bottleneck. When faced with a swarm of enemies and vastly outnumbered, we would barricade ourselves in an area with one small entrance, and pick off enemies as they tried to enter.

"We need to get to the cabin!" It fit the bill perfectly- there was only one door, and the windows were too small for these things to get into.

"Won't we kinda be trapped if we do that?" I could hear the pistol

"There's only one way in or out, for us as well as them."

She hesitated.

"Lead the way.."

I could hear the scowl in her voice, and I didn't blame her. This might be a stupid idea, but it was the only one I had. We backed our way to the cottage. I kicked open the gate, and we were in the yard. Kurt went ahead of me then, shoving the thin wooden door. I didn't need to look to know we were in bigger trouble. I didn't even need to hear her scream. It was that wet crunch of living tissue and bone. I glanced behind to see the biggest monstrosity of the night, gnawing on Kurt's shoulder, clutching her like a favored chew toy.

It was enough of a distraction. One of the average ones advanced, and knocked the pistol out of my hands. When I was thrown on the ground, it was luck that my hands found the spade. When the creature flung itself at me, it was an incredible reflex on my part to point it up. It slid down my makeshift spear, and I kicked my way from under it. It took a moment for me to realize that the howling had reduced to growling. I needed only to look to Kurt to see why.

The big one was now writhing in it's death throws, clutching at it's throat while black smoke curled from it's mouth. Kurt was definitely out of commission. I briefly wondered whether more of her blood was in her body, or on the ground, but that wasn't what bothered me. It was hard to distinguish colors in the dark, but her blood was definitely the wrong shade. One by one, the werewolves yelped like kicked puppies, and ran away.

I retrieved my pistol, cleared inside the cabin, and pulled her inside. What furniture there was, was old, and the bed was broken. I didn't think it was possible for her to be conscious, but I was wrong. As soon as we were in, she sent me right back out to get her pistol. Once we were both armed again, I searched around for some sort of binding for the wound. There wouldn't be anything clean, but I had to keep pressure to stop the bleeding. I could tell she hated being like this, as she dipped in and out of consciousness, she would mumble something like being a big girl, and taking care of herself.

When I thought she was stabilized, I leaned her against the wall, and sent a message to her phone. I was continuing to the town and would return with a doctor. The early rays of dawn were lightening the sky when I left her, and fully mid morning when I finally reached the town. I really regretted not taking track in high school.

Rickety low stone walls surrounded farmland and pasture around the wooden wall of the town. A guard in thin leather armor greeted me at the gate.

"What is your business here stranger?" The words were all wrong, and not in the least friendly, but I got the meaning.

"My friend and I were traveling last night, and we got attacked." Let's hope it worked both ways, "I left her in an an abandoned cabin, and promised to return. Is there a healer in the town who would be willing to help her?"

"You were traveling at night?" I could hear the suspicion in his voice.

"We underestimated the distance, and believed we could make it here before night fell." I had to work the stupid tourist.

His frown grew, "Wait here, I will bring Aurel. He leads the team of Cathars. Perhaps they will be willing to help."

Apparently I wasn't welcome. The guard I spoke to left, and another took up his post. The new guy was definitely keeping an eye on me. I leaned against the wall, and waited. The guard I saw before finally returned, and with two others. One was with a man later in his years, if white hair was anything to go by, but he kept up with the others while wearing plate armor. The other was a young man with dark, angled features, and heavy studded leather. It was the older man who approached me, and gave a solid opinion of my dress without saying a word.

"Start from the beginning." he said, so I did, minus the world bits of course.

"I was traveling with my companions when the carriage broke down. One was able to identify the problem, so we left together while one stayed with our belongings. While walking to the town, darkness fell and we were attacked. She was wounded, I so was forced to leave her in an abandoned cottage, and promised to return with a healer."

"What were you attacked by?" he was as stern as they came.

"Werewolves... I believe they were werewolves."

"Was she bitten?"

I could only nod. The older man shifted his weight.

"The blessed sleep may be the best option for-"

"I can't leave with out her..." That came off much more romantic than I intended.

Sure it was true, she knew what part we needed to fix the van, and I didn't know how to fix it if we did get the parts. Yeah, Kurt had that old world beauty, and Sam might be attractive if he weren't so damn creepy. But I'll be honest- I hated both of them, and at the moment, I blamed all my lives problems on them. But Kurt I needed to get back home.

The younger one approached and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I am skilled in healing as well as combat. If there is a chance to save your friend, I will find it." Well, he was handsome, "I have supplies for a few days journey, are you rested enough to leave?"

"I don't think she has the time for me to rest."

"Then let us depart."

He didn't speak to me again until we were a good distance from the town and back in the woods.

"I need to know what your experience with fighting is."

"I'm here, aren't I?" He looked me over again.

"You survived a werewolf attack unarmed?" his eyebrow raised.

"We were far from unarmed. If you would like to take credit for the ones that we took out, I'm certain Kurt won't mind."

"Is that your companions name?" he put extra emphasis on the 'companion' part, "I am Eril by the way. What is your name?"

"Ryan. And I can promise I won't be a burden."

"You are a mage then?" the way he said it gave me the feeling it was a bad thing.

"Not quite." he gave me a look, "It might appear to be magic, but it's nothing more than complex clockworks, and simple alchemical reactions."

"I don't think that's better..."

"It's kept us alive... I hope that one day devices such as this," I pulled out the pistol and handed it to him, safety on of course, "will be available to all to defend themselves from more violent creatures."

"What is it?" He looked it over as he walked, turning it in his hands, but not moving anything.

"Think of it as a cross bow, but much smaller, much faster, and much more efficient. And oh, louder too."

"How loud is it?" he returned it to me and I holstered it again.

"Like a clap of thunder."

We walked in silence after that, and reached the cabin by mid afternoon. The haphazardly strewn corpses of wolves had turned into corpses of men and a few women. My escort seemed impressed as we passed over them. We reached the door, but he held me back and unsheathed his sword. I hadn't looked closely at the door, but Eril had. Burned on to the wood, was a bird, wings spread and head to the side. I drew my pistol and followed him in. The cabin was in no worse state, but the important thing was missing, namely Kurt. There was still a pool of blood where I had left her.

"Falkenrath..."

"What?" he glanced at me like I had sprouted another head.

"Falkenrath, the boldest of the vampire families. They regularly choose their victims from more populated and 'safe' areas. There would be no sport for them in taking your wounded friend." He paced the small room and spun on me, "Have you angered them in some way, or is your friend someone they would take special interest in?"

I thought back on the larger wolf, the one who died choking on her blood.

"There might be?"

"Explain." It was not a request.

"The one that bit her, it could have easily killed her, but it dropped her like-"

"Show me which one."

I lead him to the one right by the door, the only one bullet wounds. I didn't see anything odd with the creature, but Eril worked open the jaw and took one glance in side before glaring at me.

"Your friend's blood did this?"

"It might not the only thing that's been in his mouth..." he did not get my humor.

He stood, returned to the cabin, inspecting the blood.

"Is this where you left her?"

"Yes."

He grabbed one of the spare wrapping rags, knelt by and dipped it in the small pool, and rubbed a small stud on his armor. Apparently satisfied by this, he gathered some of my friends blood in a vial.

"Does this Kurt have anything strange in her family line?"

"I have no idea- it never occurred to me to ask." he nodded to himself.

"If she has a strange pedigree, it may explain why her blood has strange properties, and why a vampire has taken interest."

He returned to walking around the room, inspecting the cabin further.

"We will head to Castle Falkenrath. But first, we rest here for the night."

"What? She's still out there!"

"If they want her alive, she will still be there by tomorrow. If they don't, she's already lost." He closed the door and sat with his back against it, "Get some rest while you can."

I didn't get much sleep that night, my mind was racing. Sam felt cold, Kurt could glow, and I had a white streak. Was it possible that whatever had caused that change had also changed something on the biological level? What would be that powerful, and why specifically the blood? Was there something different with my blood as well? With Sam's? My mind spun with many more questions before sleep over took me. It was a dreamless night, but morning came fast. Eril and I a quick breakfast, and left on our way.

We walked in silence. Soon the autumn colors faded to twisted half-dead trees, and the mist cloaked grasses turned to rocky boulders. It was around noon when we reached the van. I looked through the windows to find the one with Sam in it.

"Is this your carriage?" Eril was suspicious again.

"It's cheaper than feeding horses." I said by way of explanation, but he didn't seem to buy it.

I knocked on the back door, where Sam was sleeping by the Jumper. He startled, saw it was me, unlocked the door, and jumped out.

"Oh good, you're back. Ready to get out of here?" Was he really that oblivious, or just blind?

"Not quite..."

"What, you two couldn't find the stuff?"

"We ran into a bit of a problem, a rather large furry problem, and then another with fangs. Or should I say Kurt had another with fangs." He really was that blind, "You don't see anything wrong?"

He took one solid look ad Eril, and shrugged, "I'll be honest, I always had questions about Kurt." Oh dear god, "Even when we were at the island, she was a bit strange."

"If we're going to save your friend we'll need to get a move on." Did I sense annoyance in Eril's voice? "Are you joining us or not?"

"So you're not Kurt?"

The silence was penetrating.

"Eril, this is Sam." I had to break it some how, "Sam, this is Eril. He's a Cathar that's helping us find Kurt. Shall I bring you up to speed?"

"That would be nice." he had a smile frozen in place, that slowly fell as I retold the story.

"Kurt and I were on the way to the town when we were attacked by werewolves." I was getting tired of telling this story, "I left her in an abandoned cabin while I went to the town to get a healer." maybe I could just record it, "Eril volunteered, but when we returned, Kurt was not in the cabin. Eril says that the Falkenrath family of vampires has probably taken her. We're going to rescue her." Because this wasn't every crap fantasy movie ever.

Sam sat there for a moment, lost in thought.

And then finally, "Let me lock the doors."

So Sam joined our little adventure party. Eril insisted we set out immediately, as there was still some time before the sun set. We passed the low lying rocks and out of the dead treed into the foot hills of the mountain I had so carefully driven us out of. That night, we took shelter beneath an overhang, and the morning after, began our way up. We weren't in a beat up old van, but some how, the fall looked even farther. Finally, the path turned into a road, and the road lead into a rocky city.

Small, densely packed houses towered over the streets of the part where we entered. People were wrapped in dark robes, and ran about their business as quickly as possible. Higher in the city, I could see various manor houses. But crowning the mountain, was a desolate old castle, the very one who's spires I had seen in my rear view mirror when we first came to this world.

As we approached the castle, I was rather underwhelmed by it. I had been expecting ornate stained glass, and may some form of resistance, but we walked right on past all the dark manors. The castle was as impressive as castles come, but all the windows were blown out. I say blown out because the glass was on the gardens outside. The grand entrance hall might have been an impressive sight at one time, but all we found was dust- dust everywhere, on every statue, in little piles on the floor, and in every ornate nook and cranny.

"Castle Falkenreath should be much better kept..." I hadn't realized Eril had drawn his sword.

"Do you hear that?" Sam was running up the main stair case, and hung a right.

"No..." I drew my pistol and followed.

We chased him for a while, occasionally stopping when he had to listen. I hoped that Eril was remembering our path, because Sam was busy leading us, and I wasn't going to remember something that confusing.

"We're getting close." He dashed again into another corridor.

I could hear it now too, a faint melody just on the edge of my mind. The corridor emptied into a hall, and we followed the song to the end. It was clearer now, a woman's voice twisting throughout the hall. With some effort, we opened the massive double doors at the end, and squeezed past into a massive ball room.

I felt like we were in an aquarium, but we were just the ornaments. There was only one fish in this tank, and she was floating far above us, deeper in the room. Her hair was brighter, and twisted like the the fire who's color it stole. Her dress floated around her like under water, all the lace, ruffles, and cuts to make a Parisian whore jealous. The skeleton she was dancing with spun, to what sounded like the french part of Bad Romance. None of that frightened me. It was the ashy gray tone her skin had taken, how it was like a sun baked lake bed with smoldering embers beneath. And her eyes, half lidded black holes in her face. Was this really Kurt?

"Is this your friend?" Eril mirrored my sentiment.

"Only one way to find out..." I hadn't seen Sam draw his pistol, or aim.

I just heard five gunshots in rapid succession.

The singing stopped, the embers died, and the skeleton clattered to the ground in pieces. She fell in slow motion, eventually coming to a rest on her side. We just stood there, not certain if we should approach, or how.

Her eyes opened, and she threw herself back with a shriek, kicking herself away from the remains on the ground. I wouldn't want to wake up to a skull either. She pushed herself up a bit too fast, stumbling over the hem of the dress, and just stood there for a moment, gasping like she had been pulled from a flood. When her breathing had evened, she tossed some rogue hair out of her face. She delicately lifted the side of the skirt with her thumb and fore finger, before dropping it in disgust.

"Why, am I in a dress?" Yup, it was Kurt.

An hour later, Kurt was in decent clothing again. It took us a while, but we found her jeans, and a reasonable replacement for her shirt in loose burgundy, however, it was the loss of her womanly underthings that she mourned. Eril suggested a corset, and she did not take that well. Once Kurt was appeased, we searched for a kitchen. It was, unsurprisingly, mainly stocked with enchanted barrels. Again, it took some searching, but we did find a small pantry with human food. It was all neatly wrapped and ready to run.

We packed what we could, and followed Sam's ears to Kurt's cellphone. I was certain he was leading us in circles when we finally entered some sort of private workshop and museum. She retrieved her phone, and began searching for repair parts while Eril made a bee line for some artifact he would 'reclaim for the church'. Even Sam began reaching for some of the more shiny stuff.

I went for books. It was just like at the gate- the symbols were meaningless to me, but I could understand them. For now, I was ecstatic. Languages far beyond my comprehension were within my grasp, an invaluable ability in what jumps may come, and it wasn't limited to me. Kurt and Sam spoke with Eril as well as I did. I would figure out how this works later.

We left the castle and spent the night at a lower city inn, where Eril payed for the rooms and food. Whatever it was he had bagged, it was making him rather generous. Not only was he going to overlook Kurt's obviously demonic bloodline, but he would see us to the van, and cover for us, telling the world we had all died obliterating almost the entire Falkenrath family. Whether or not he took credit for the act himself or not, he did see us to the van. Kurt repaired the hose connection at fault, and refilled the van with machine oil from the castle. I got back in the driver seat,and we were off to another world.

We survived a horror movie for an entire week.

Disclaimer: I own only my own characters. Everything else belongs to Wizards of the Coast.

I do not in any way encourage anything in this story. It is the twisted product of several twisted minds.

AN: The setting, including the plane, and occasionally the time period will be rolled on a d100 from the PlaneChase page on MTG Salvation. Expect the old and obscure, and possibly pre-mending planes. What is this, exposition? My god, we actually hit a plot point! And all these fun little abilities will come with a price- but that'll be latter on. Oh, and I want to dance- I got more reviews! I love you people!

Roll: Okay, so I rolled for Innistrad, in case you haven't figured that out yourself. For time it was high, high, so it was after Avacyns creation, and pre Innistrad/Dark Ascension/Avacyn Restored. I was silly and rolled for the province on my laptop keyboard, and the die fell on the sides between Stensia and Kessig. A second roll confirmed Kessig, but I wanted to have a bit more fun with this chapter. Now that all the characters were introduced, I was able to get a bit of plot in- and what better than a classic kidnapping.

Thanks: Kitty for inviting me to help him study, Matt for being his crazy self and joining, and Louis for editing- even if I do have to bribe you with Nos.

Louis: That was once! Once!

This Fic Bears the Rouis Seal of Approval (Copyright 1987)

How long this goes on depends on it's reception- I did get some views on my first chapter. Reviews are the cream and sugar in my tea. Flames will be used to boil the water.


	5. Squeak!

Warranty of the Void

Ch 5

Tanya Kurt

They weren't asking any questions, I could be happy about that. Even if they did, I don't think I could have answered them. Even the answers I did have, only raised more disturbing questions. What happened in the red? One moment I was being introduced as a snack, the next I'm waking up to a smiling skull. And I was in a dress. It would have been nice to remember how that happened.

But here, I was fine. We were driving through a mist, with the white curtains of auroras rippling around us. This was only my fifth time in the Blind Eternities, but I didn't think I would ever get used to it. It was entrancing, and I felt like I could stare out the window forever. The light show was a wonderful diversion, so I could ignore the new ashy tone of my skin, and the new tint that finally tipped the balance of my hair from auburn to red.

Another diversion was that delightfully stupid little blue cyclops Sam had convinced to join us. It wore some strange brown gown, and a diving helmet. I think it was filled with a fluid. He bumbled around the back, rummaging through the food bag, throwing the unwanted items behind and crushing a sandwich against his glass plate. Some foreign vegetable hit my arm.

"Come here." I sighed.

He stumbled tripped over the brown thing, and sat down in front of me. It was only a matter of unscrewing the top of the helmet, and crumbling the food inside. I closed the lid and he happily scampered around jerking his head from side to side, jumping in circles, and clutching his head as the bits went to his mouth. If anyone else had seen, they might have thought the pathetic creature possessed.

The waves were more frequent now, one almost inseparable from the rest, and I looked down to avoid the flash. I was immensely disappointed with what I saw through the windows. Stensia, as I had learned it was called, was a bleak landscape, nothing but jagged mountains and dead trees. This world, or at least this part of it, wasn't much different. But that could have just been that it was a cloudy winter night. We might have been in a crater, with the way black mountains curled up around a wide watery flat. Sharpened log walls were built around clusters of stilted buildings. The settlements were barely illuminated by the torches, and connected by rough bridges over the muck below.

We were lucky, we landed on a relatively dry patch. Unfortunately, that meant we couldn't drive again. At least we weren't in the middle of an ocean this time. The guys left the van, and I followed, nearly stumbling into the unpleasant murk. It definitely was not winter, the trees were dead, but the weather was warm, and the heavy rain was all together unpleasant.

"I don't like it here."

"We're here now though, may as well take a look around." Normally, I would agree with Ryan's logic, but it just didn't feel right.

"Then let's stay in the van 'till morning. We can wait a few hours."

"What's got you so worked up?" Strait to the point with Sam, "You should be the least worried of all."

"I just think we should wait until we're better rested."

"If we go to an inn, we might overhear something interesting, and we can get some rooms." Ryan was trying to play peacemaker.

"I could deal with that." and Sam was agreeing.

"I can tolerate it." I would just sleep with my safety off.

Ryan nodded, "Then there's no time to loose. One of the bigger settlements should have one. We'll get inside and ask a guard when we get there."

Sam walked back to the van.

"Hans," so the thing had a name, and did it just squeak? "Keep and eye on things here, and don't eat all the food."

"Genius!"

We sloshed though knee high water before we climbed up to one of the bridges and started towards the largest grouping, the one he had pointed out before. The gate had a large door, and a small door built in. A smaller slide in the small door parted. We were introduced to a dark hooded man with a hooked nose, stringy hair, and unhealthy pale skin.

"What's your business?" he snarled

"We are travelers, looking for a room for the night. Is there an inn here?" I was going to talk, but Ryan seemed to be handling this well enough.

"At this hour?"

"We underestimated the length of our journey." It sounded like he'd done this before.

The man took a good look at the three of us, scowled and let us in.

"Follow this road, take the second left. The inn has a sign with a tankard over the door."

We were greeted by thin and empty streets, and low torch light. Tall wooden buildings were leaning against each other in various states of disrepair, and crumbling wooden shutters were all pulled closed.

"Not a very welcoming place." I commented as we turned the corner.

"We don't have to be here for much longer, we'll just leave in the morning."

Why was Ryan being so diplomatic? I was the one that played diplomat when it was just Sam and I. He was even holding the door open for us. I knew that he was just as nervous as me- his hands were shaking ever so slightly.

I wasn't certain I wanted to stay here. The floorboards were worn thin, there were even a few holes covered with loose planks. The furniture was rough and splintered, the bar didn't even have a mirror, and the keep was asleep at a stool. How the heck was he sleeping at a stool with no back? Sam went up to negotiate our stay with a ring he pulled out of his lab coat- I'd stopped wondering where he got the shiny stuff. Ryan and I sat down on one of the rickety benches.

"I don't like this world either." I knew it, "We'll stay a night for Sam's sake, and then we'll go. I think the Jumper needs to cool down anyways."

"It does?" how did I miss that?

"Yeah. Remember how the van didn't jump back immediately after we fell into that ocean? When we were waiting for Sam to return on the island, I took a look at the the jumper. There wasn't a heat sink, and that would explain the delay."

I nodded back to him, it made a lot of sense. Around this time, the door opened for someone else. It wasn't until she began chatting up Sam that I noticed her though. She was hauntingly beautiful, dark hair, and fair skin pulled tight over an angular face. As for her clothes, or lack there of, a black bikini like top and long side slit skirt didn't leave much to the imagination.

I noticed the bartender looking quite frightened, possibly shocked as Sam brushed off her every verbal advance. It was when she touched him that I noticed the fangs. I moved a moment before Ryan, but I had nothing to worry about. Sam quite effortlessly twisted her around him, spun, and slammed her back onto the floor. I bet she regretted that skirt now. Sam put some of his weight behind the leg he placed on her chest. I couldn't be more proud of my friend.

"I like my blood inside my body. And I loose enough of it without leeches like you." Like he was the one bleeding into printer cartridges.

I watched him pull out his gun, and was tempted to let him waste the bullet, but thought better.

"Is she really worth the shot?" I could feel Sam glare.

"Well not all of us can-"

"That was an accident!" I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"And it was a very impressive accident..." Ryan was now glaring at Sam, and it wasn't a 'you might hurt her feelings' kind.

It had only taken the vampire beneath Sam's boot a moment to regain her composure, and she was now kicking and clawing in a way that skirt was not meant to handle. Was she seriously dressing for hunting in that? I added stupidity to the quickly growing mental list I'd titled 'reasons to hate vampires'- or would that be vanity? I considered excessive vanity a form of stupidity anyways, so it fell under the same umbrella.

"I just don't think some undead slut is worth the bullet."

Sam seemed to nod in agreement, and holstered his pistol. He then stood on the one leg and let the other fall heavy onto her head. I hear a second thump and looked back to our host. He had just passed out. Sam mumbled something about a shave, took the ring back from the counter, and headed out the door. Ryan and I followed into the downpour.

We wandered down a few more streets before we cam to another building with a tankard on the sign above the door. I found this establishment to be slightly better, The innkeeper was awake as there was another guest who was happily getting sloshed. They might have been brothers, but I also wondered if this inn keep was also a brother to the last one. I was noticing a trend that all these gaunt little slips of people had dark hair and pale skin, so I really couldn't tell the difference between them. People aside, the furniture seemed a bit more stable, the torches on the walls were brighter, and there weren't any noticeable holes in the floor. Or the ceiling.

Ryan took the ring to negotiate with the inn keeper, and Sam and I went to sit down.

"Do you want to talk bout it?" I know what he was referring to.

I shrugged it off, "Not really, and there's not much to talk about anyways."

"Okay."

That was one of the things I liked most about Sam, if he asked a question, and I didn't want to answer, that was that. He never pressed anything, and he never handled me with kid gloves. He just forgot about it, or stopped caring. It made our years of self-imposed exile a bit more bearable. I might have thanked him for letting it drop if the drunkard hadn't decided to bother us. He cozied up and flung his arm over my shoulder.

I could smell whatever brew he was drinking before he slurred the first word of the whatever passes as a pickup line in a hole like this.

"Hey der sw-"

"Are you touching me?"

He flaunted a half toothed grin, "Yeah, I i'm dar-"

"You'll want to stop that." Sam warned.

Toothy scowled at him, "And what'r yeu gonna do?"

"It's not me you should be worried about."

"Hands off."

He nuzzled closer, and I went to jab him in the ribs, but accidentally let a small arc of lightning jump between my fingers and his side. He crashed to the floor, so I decided to roll with it and gave him my best deadpan face.

"Wha te he-"

"When a lady tells you not to touch her, you best listen."

Toothy limped back to his bench and tried to find solace in his tankard, but only found emptiness.

"That's one of my best customers." I overheard the keep.

"Would you like us to leave?" Ryan asked.

"Yes."

I saw Ryan nod from the corner of my eye, and start to the door.

"Let's try this again."

We struck to the soaked streets yet again, this time going farther into the town. It took us a bit longer, but we did find another building with the tankard sign. There were a few people this time, but that wasn't the only reason I preferred this inn. More people getting drunk together meant that they would be too busy with each other or the bar maid. That's right, there was a legitimate bar in this establishment, not just long tables. There was decent lighting here too. The innkeeper was cooking something by the fire, so I took the ring from Sam.

"Third time's a charm..." And went to approach him.

He looked up from the pan with a smile, and extended his hand.

"Evening miss. How can I help you?"

"My friends and I are travelers, looking for a place to rest for the evening." I handed the ring to him, "What would we be able to get from this?"

He took it from me, and turned it in his hand before he responded.

"You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you how much money I think I can return."

"If you don't have three open rooms, we can make do with two. A hot meal would be nice, and I think my companions want a wash, and possibly a shave."

"I'm afraid that we only have one room open, but it is our largest, and should rest the three of you. It's the last room at the end of the hall up stairs. The water, soap, and razors can be sent to your room. As for food, I can have it on the table in no time." he motioned to the table where Sam and Ryan were sitting.

I thanked him and went to join the guys. Ryan was explaining his heat sink theory to Sam.

"It might work, but there's not much point right now."

"Of course there's a point. If it needs a heat sink, it might just not be convenience, it could be damaging the Jumper."

"Oh that's not what I'm saying. It's that we need to find a heat sink in order to fix this. We are a world a way from home, in every way possible. Where the hell are we gonna find a heat sink, much less the three that you recommend?"

"I don't know, but I could jury rigg a water cooling system."

"Isn't water kind of bad for electronics?" I butted into the conversation.

"From what I've observed, the jumper is more mystic than electronic. Technically, water should not effect things. Even the calligraphy is etched, not painted, which means that there's not much I would have to do to waterproof it. Don't we still have that sealant that you used on the hoses?"

"Yeah, but it might interfere with the magical field around, or flow within the device."

"Given the..."

A quiet fell on the entire building as the temperature dropped. Five figures stood menacingly in the doorway. A bald, pock faced man in flowing black robes and a sharp golden staff was flanked by three emaciated men in rags, and a woman not so unlike the one from the first inn. The woman threw a bag on the floor, and... Was that the head of our first innkeeper? I couldn't reach for my pistol without being noticed, but I eyed the knife on the table. It was rusty, but I'd had my tetanus shots. I placed the blade by my skin.

"The one who murdered my sister will step forward, or I will take my vengeance on all present." She was as dumb as her sister.

Not a word was spoken, but Sam, Ryan, and I looked between each other. I slit my palm, and let some blood fall on the blade. Eyes burned into the back of my skull, and footsteps approached me, culminating into someone yanking my head back by my hair. I responded by twisting to a better angle, and my burring the knife up to the hilt in her neck.

"Hi there!" Sam jumped, waved enthusiastically.

He brought a rather heavy fist on top of the next closest. Skeleton-man one crumbled and Ryan found his pistol, picking off one of the other two. I used the moment of confusion as cover to run up skeleton number three, and knocked him down to the floor, where I could jump on his head. Wart Face tried whack me with that fancy staff of his, but lost balance. It took almost no effort from Sam to twist his arms so he would fall on the sharp. I wouldn't call it a fight, but it was over in only a few seconds.

The man was still writhing on the staff, so I just bent down and finished him off. Ryan flicked on the safety as he walked over to me, and frowned.

"Oh, sorry. Did you want that one alive?" I wanted him to know that I didn't.

"We might have been able to get some answers." he holstered the pistol.

"Oops." I shrugged and sent a few sparks to cauterize my palm, "If you'll excuse me, I have lost my appetite." I made my way to the side.

"Wait," a hand grabbed my arm on my way up the stairs,

I looked up to the speaker. He had the dark features and pale skin of everyone else, but he was distinguished by a bit more muscle.

"You are not paladins," he seemed hesitant, "Might you be slayers?"

"Not exactly..." I shifted my weight.

"May I speak with you and your party privately?" he released my arm.

I glanced back to my 'party'. Ryan was helping the inn keeper move the bodies to the back room, while Sam twirled the staff. Most of the other patrons were filtering out.

"I guess I should probably help clean up." He grabbed the legs of a body while I dragged it by it's arms. When we had brought all the corpses, the innkeeper pushed a box on the floor to reveal a massive hole to the swamp below. We dumped the bodies in the hole and covered it again.

The four of us sat down at a table while the inn keeper returned to the fire to cook our diner.

"I am Asim Gulzar, Paladin of Serra." Well, that explained why he wasn't a complete wimp.

"I'm Ryan, this is Sam and Kurt." Ryan motioned to us as he spoke, "We're travelers, but we run into problems occasionally."

"You don't look like travelers."

The inn keeper set plates in front of us with some white fish with overcooked roots, and a tankard of some pale brew. I rinsed my hands with the drink and splashed a bit on top of the fish before digging in. It was dry and largely flavorless, but after sloshing through a swamp, trying to find an inn for several hours, and spending much longer in the rain that I would have preferred... Well, I wasn't about to complain about a hot meal. The conversation dropped for a solid half hour while we devoured it.

"So," Gulzar leaned forward in the table, "What kind of problems have you run into in the past?"

"Vampires," I said

"Werewolves," Ryan said.

"Shape shifters," Sam said.

"Shape shifters?" What? "When did this happen?"

"That ruined island was populated by shape shifters."

"How did you figure that out?" Ryan asked.

"The fake Kurt yelled at me for 'desecrating' an abandoned church."

I couldn't repress a laugh, "And you didn't burn it down just to spite the other me?"

"Let's get back on topic," Gulzar looked at me, "You have experience with vampires?"

"There is no love lost between those blood suckers and I."

"You won't mind working with a paladin?" was I actually making him nervous?

"Me, no. People can believe whatever they want, just don't force your god on me."

"Missionaries back home tend to be a bit zealous." Ryan explained.

"You're arcane casters then," he leaned back a bit, "traveling to learn spells no doubt."

"Yeah," Ryan might have agreed a bit too fast, "That's exactly it!" but Gulzar didn't notice.

"I have some buffering spells I will be happy to share, if you will help."

"What do you need help with?" Ryan was really taking charge.

"The land is under siege," his voice dropped lower, "I don't know where this Baron came from, but he no longer fights overtly. The local lord is one of his pawns. My team and I were tasked with his removal, but they fell on the journey to this hole."

"You want us to help you?"

"It would be a great aid, and do not believe that he will stop here. No matter where from where you hail, he will continue until all of Ulgrotha under his heel."

Ryan looked to Sam and I.

"There's a special dark corner in my heart where a deep hatred of vampires resides." I smiled, "Anything I can do to ruin their day, you need only say."

"I see no reason why not." Sam agreed.

"Then it's settled, We'll help you dispose of this lord, and you'll teach us the spell."Ryan smiled, "But let's rest up for the night first."

"It's mid morning..."Gulzar gave us the strangest look, "But I need to collect supplies anyway. You can rest while I run my errands."

Asim Gulzar left us to our rest, and rest we did. He actually had to wake us up when it was time to leave. He entered our room- which was crowded with three of us, much less four- and unrolled a map on the floor. We huddled around as he explained our rout.

"This is where we are," he pointed to the lower left one corner of the map, "And this is where the castle is." then the upper center of the map.

"That's a bit distant..."

"Let the man finish, Sam." Was Ryan our mother now too?

"If we go by the bridges, there's only one rout. It's heavily watched and it's frequented by vampires, but travelers are common."

"There's another way?" that was an if, right?

"Yes, but it might get more attention. Recall that I set out with a team? We left with a swamp skiff. It's hidden under the inn here. I think that might be preferable, but only one of us should be seen. Any more might arouse suspicion."

"How are we going to hide then?" Ryan had a good point.

"Many people prefer to bury their dead at ancestral graves, but a lot of those are distant from where they are now. I'll pole the boat, and you three will be in caskets."

We were silent for a moment, and I would up being the one breaking it.

"Why are we doing this again?"

"Kurt," Ryan warned,

"I mean, what happens if the boat sinks?" I had a point and they knew it, "I haven't seen a chair I would trust since we came here, much less a boat. Was that how your last team died?"

"Kurt-"

"Don't 'Kurt' me, you're not my mother." I turned away from Ryan, "I'd rather risk the bridges. At least there, if we run into a problem,we can kill it."

"Actually, it was my team that took the bridges. I was on the skiff with supplies hidden in three caskets."

I felt Ryan's glare, "We'll take the skiff."

When we went to the lower floor, the inn keeper showed us too the back room. There were packs for each of us, with food and traveling supplies. We shimmied down the hole, where the bodies from yesterday were still floating in the murk.

"The journey will take three days, you can't make any sounds during that time." I laid down in the casket, and he placed one of the packs by my feet head before he closed the lid.

I was hating this already.

I lost track of time, I slept when I slept, I drank when I drank. It's not like I had the sun to guide me, assuming this world even had a sun. And that prick forgot about other functions when he put us in here. When I woke up to a tapping, I assumed that we had arrived. Apparently not. I kicked up at the lid just in time to see Gulzar pocketing a small bag, a sizable team of vampires opposite him. I stumbled out of the box into the murk, opposite to the side of the shore, and kicked the side of one of the other coffins.

"It's a trap!"

Ryan was the first to respond, kicking his lid open.

"Thank you, Admiral Akbar!"

I hadn't seen one of the vampires sneak up behind me and reach for my neck. I held him back as best I could, and shoved all my rage through my arms. Ash and armor fell into the muck below. I took a good look at who we were fighting. They had the same dark allure as the woman from the first inn, but they were definitely stronger than the group that confronted us in the third, maybe they were knights once. There were eight of them, not including the leering titan that was obviously their leader- or Gulzar who was high tailing it out of there.

Ryan had pulled out his pistol, and shot down one of the more distant ones. I decided against wasting the bullets, and just rushed them. Sam chose this moment to join us, tackled the closest one to the ground, and just started pummeling. I went after the next closest, trying to get a hand on him, but apparently he had seen what happened to the last guy. We spun around each other for a few moments, Ryan picking off some of the others. Sam, having crushed his last guy to a paste, threw a side punch at the one I was attacking. This served as enough of a distraction for me to finally grab him. When the last of his dust settled, there was no one left for us. While Sam and I had only taken out two, Ryan had gotten rid of all of the rest with precisely placed head shots.

All but the leader, that is. He had a bullet right in the uncovered side of his knee. No word was spoken as we approached, just silent fuming on his end and intimidating glares on ours.

"Admiral?" where the heck did that come from?

"You know, from Star Wars." oh that movie.

"I only watched it once." He looked at me like I had three heads, "I've been kinda busy."

"Can I trust you not to kill our lead?" Ryan asked me?

I shrugged "Depends on how much I like him..." he would deal with that.

"Anything you want to tell us?"

Silence.

"Anything at all?"

Silence.

"Fuck it. We're not getting anywhere with this." I strode forward to burn him, but he wasn't as injured as I had thought.

He twisted my legs so I crashed down. I must have hit a rock, because my vision whited out. But I could still hear him roar down at me.

"Twisted shadows! Frag-" Gunshot.

I know I wasn't out of it for long, because I had to kick the body off me. As I pushed him, I heard the crumble of paper. After he was off, I felt for a pocket, and pulled out a letter. I stood and waved it in front of my friends.

"Orders perhaps?" and unfolded it.

Sam snatched if from my hands, and glanced it over, "Yup. Gulzar was a paladin, but he switched sides to be a spy. Apparently we were rather suspicious," he glanced at me, "especially you."

I shrugged, "Oops."

He turned to the second page, "Oh look, a map!"

We huddled around again.

"This is where we are," Ryan pointed to the center of the map, "This is where the castle is," upper center of the map, "This is where the settlement is," he pointed to the lower left, "What are we going to do?"

"I don't care." Sam shrugged, and pulled out his cell, "We've only been on this world five days, it won't take us much longer to get to the castle."

"And how much longer would it take to kill the lord- who's name we don't know by the way- and to get back? I think this world had given us enough trouble. Let's just go." This world was only reaffirming my hatred of vampires.

Ryan took the map from Sam and placed it in his pocket, "I have to agree with Kurt on this one." he nodded to the skiff, "Let's go."

We left the bodies where they fell. The map was hand drawn, and riddled with inaccuracies. When you threw in the fact that landmarks were next to impossible to identify, it made navigation obscenely difficult. We got back after about a week of circles. Thankfully we had Gulzar's pack, and the food in it as well. We skipped the settlement on our way back and went strait to the van. It was more or less in the same condition as we had left it, but it had sunk in the mud half way up the tires.

"Hans!" Sam called, "We're back!"

There was a faint squeak from inside the van, and some scraping. I opened the door, and Hans executed a flawless face plant. We had run out of food on the way back, so I went to the food bag, only to find it flat. Sam had not pulled his pet up yet, it was just flailing and squeaking. I grabbed the little wimp from the mud by the back of it's robe.

"Where's all the food?" I asked it.

"Squeak!" it rubbed it's belly.

I dropped it back in the mud.

Sam tossed me a bracelet, and Ryan and I pushed the skiff back to the settlement. We went to the third inn, and bought everything in the larder we thought would keep.

"It's a good thing you did for the town, and for me." he explained as he helped us carry the bags to the skiff, "That Gulzar wretch never paid his tab."

Apparently there was more in the bracelet than we needed, and the inn needed some repair. We let him keep it all on the condition that he would spread it around the town. We got back to the van, loaded the bags, and buckled in. I dialed a new world, and off we went.

AN: The setting, including the plane, and occasionally the time period will be rolled on a d100 from the PlaneChase page on MTG Salvation. Expect the old and obscure, and possibly pre-mending planes.

Roll: Okay, so I rolled for the Dark Barony, It's the Homelands set form, '95 I think? Yeah, October '95. I was three then, much more concerned with dodging Mormons than drooling on pretty cards(my family lived in Salt Lake City back then). Anyways, from what I read on the wiki, it was one of the more flavorful sets, so I'm not certain I did it justice. Please excuse anything that conflicted with the cannon. I rolled low and then high, so it was after Sengir came, but also before Serra's death. As for the team just leaving, I try not to write more than eight pages at a time, as my quality decreases. But this entire story is based on the dice, and I rolled that they turned back.

Also, tell me how you like Hans.

Thanks: Kitty for inviting me to help him study, Matt for being his crazy self and joining.

I was not able to get Louis to pre-read this chapter, so excuse any thing out of place.

How long this goes on depends on it's reception. Reviews are the cream and sugar in my tea. Flames will be used to boil the water.


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